~ unstable connections
What was it that Jo Freeman (JoReen) said? I know it gave me that sagging relief feeling, that recline - a slightly anxious recline, but still a recline...a “fuck, yes”...feeling you get when you’re handed something like an explanation that your body already knew but hadn’t reached the words for. Though calling out the white woman in radical feminism it also called to this shy woman, who finds it too...something...to comfortably use the word “woman”. Not asking for sympathy - I’m silently assassinating you. With this newly integrated explanation - vindication? - I flipped this Tongue-tie-then-grinding-unrelenting-irritation from my self to wider circles.
But now. Years passed and zoom tyranny brings it back. The sagging “fuck...yes” recline is grimly reappeared with time lags and unstable connections. The sinking into tongue-tied anger eases from interpersonal meetings - sometimes, often enough, but rages anew with covid. Jolting, inner voice: “I haven’t yet said a word”, “now?”. Outervoice:“sorry, you were saying”, “that didn’t make any sense, sorry”, “sorry no don’t worry nothing much to add”. Worst: The tacit agreement you feel you’re making with others that maybe it would be better to let someone else do the talking. After all that. Grinding acquiescent invitation, permission, to tongue tie.